The Turbaned One’s Beheading (Almost)

We used to have two turbaned colleagues who had been in the taxi industry for many years before I joined. One was big and the other one small. They belonged to an indigenous Christian sect found in Kenya that goes by the name of Akorino. They permanently don a white turban on their heads which I am reliably informed is a symbol of their decision to lead a life of spiritual purity. With a large number of Akorino, the turban is also an indicator of a past that they would rather forget. Probably due to their eventful lives, many of them have interesting stories of their dark pasts, and our two brothers were not any different.

The two guys had relatively different personalities and the turban was one of the few things they had in common. The smaller guy was known for his enormous appetite. He loved roast meat and the smallest quantity he could take was a full kilo. Whenever we went out after work, nobody could accept to pair-up with him. It even reached a point when he preferred to just go out on alone and order his own meat. His legendary appetite came to light one day when the management organized for us a training workshop. They booked for us a full day session at the Stanley, which is one of the most exquisite five star hotels in Kenya. We were to have lunch at the pool-side restaurant located on the second floor of the establishment.

For the majority of us, this was the first time we were going beyond the lobby of a five star hotel. It was also the first time that we were experiencing a buffet in any form. Needless to say, we were ill-prepared for the experience. The first confusion arose because the buffet was set out on a large and completely circular table. Our primitive village selves could not tell where to start or end. We could not differentiate between starters, main courses, or deserts. The large tray-sized plates did not help matters either. We queued with other guests and heaped our plates. My small turbaned friend was just in front of a lady who appeared to be an American tourist. She was observing him closely as he crammed every item in that menu on his increasingly congested plate. The last item on completing the cycle was ice cream which he scooped onto his mountain of food. As the ice cream melted and flowed down his domed assortment of food like larva from a volcano, the tourist could not help herself. She exclaimed, “Oh my God!” Everybody was curious to see if he would finish and he didn’t disappoint. He ate every last morsel (at least he was not wasteful).

In addition to their head gear, the two Akorinos had another thing in common, and that was speed. They could have passed an ambulance driving test. The speed however came at a cost. They used to have many accidents. One time, the big guy was assigned a new car. It was at the time when cars had started to arrive fitted with air bags. One day he picked the new car and sped off to pick a client who was running late. When he joined the main road, there was a small traffic pile-up. He decided to zoom down the wrong side of the road and overtake the queuing vehicles. He never noticed a car coming from the opposition. The result was a serious head-on collision. The airbag instantly inflated and encapsulated him. He was not injured but he got really traumatized. According to him, he had imagined that he died in the crash and the airbag looked like the white sheet which the angels must surely use to cover him as they ushered him into heaven.

The big guy was not always the one on the wrong in the many accidents he had. Some were caused by other drivers as well. During one such incident, a car banged into him from the rear. This happened as he was driving down a road in the Hurlingham area in the wee hours of the morning. The resulting jolt caused his turban to be thrown off his head. It did not disentangle from its tight hat-like form that he used to tie tightly around his head. It landed neatly on the dashboard and when he saw it, he thought it was his whole head which had been cut off and thrown forward. The guy who had hit him walked up to his window and in his obvious heavy drunkenness, he started punching the “headless” turbaned one. My big friend thought that unlike his previous accident, this time he had arrived in hell and was already being punished for his errant ways.